My path to belief was not a simple one. I had everything growing up. I have two amazing parents, an awesome sister, great opportunities, and a good education. I have no excuses. Even with everything on my side I felt empty. It wasn’t until I had two baby boys in my care that I felt like I had to do something. I had hit rock bottom. I had never had the strength to change before but for THEM…I would do anything. I would go as far as to believe in GOD. For me it was a stretch to get there. Science and logic pushed God so far out of reach in my life that breaking down my pride enough to see Him was a very painful process. There were times when I would sit in church and feel absolutely ridiculous for continuing on this senseless path, but somehow the weight on my shoulders felt lighter.
Those of you that know me, know I am in or I am out. It is a personality trait I get from my mother. I wasn’t going to do this whole God thing halfway. I did not want to be a hypocrite or a faker. I wanted to believe of leave. I decided to enroll in a 1-year seminary program. I wanted to learn more, and I did.
1 year later I graduated and more importantly I was now a true believer. I had prayed and I had been answered, I had witnessed miracles (nothing like in the movies, but miracles in my eyes none the less), I felt peace and that void I could never fill was gone. I was saved.
God began to use me to serve his people and I did as I was told. The deeper I went into ministry the more painful it became. It was hard to be obedient when the obedience cause so much pain. It was hard to be the punching bag for so many. Forgiveness seemed like a daunting task. Turning the other cheek over and over again. I pushed through but I became tired, sad, and sick of feeling used by everyone. I was the rock people used to push themselves forward. I felt like I was losing my identity.
One day, I was at the end of my rope and I took time to walk on the beach and talk to God. I knew I could never stop believing but I wanted to ask why it was so hard? On the walk He reminded me of the feeling the Christ had as he gave himself for us. He reminded me of the honor it is to serve others in the way I was called to do. He reminded me that I was only tired because I was trying to do things by myself. He reminded me I was not alone. From that day forward I went from FEELING USED to BEING USED.